Complaining: a pathway to joy

Many of you know that I’m a coffee snob. I’m often in search of a really good cup of coffee. Espresso, mocha latte, actually. I’ll feel disappointed with anything less than a high quality mocha latte.

So, I’ve been known to comment about less-than-fabulous coffee. Sometimes I’ll even slide into complaining. But I know what that means: when I have a complaint, it just shows that I’m not living up to my values. I’ve somehow compromised, settled or missed the mark on something that’s important to me. Something that brings me joy.

Now coffee is not a vital part of my life (okay, maybe sometimes it is) but it is a great example of the point I’m trying to make, which is this:

Often when we find ourselves complaining about something, it’s because we’re feeling unsatisfied about something that’s really important to us.

We have a value or need that’s not being met. The dissatisfaction, disappointment or dismay we’re feeling is helpfully pointing to something that matters to us.

A few years back, when I found myself complaining about working long hours and weekend shifts, I realized I was compromising on two big personal values of mine: freedom and family. I took steps to adjust my work schedule, eventually shifted back to coaching and teaching and starting arranging my calendar as I wanted. A lifestyle with freedom, autonomy, and time with loved ones matters to me. When I wasn’t living true to these values, my complaining pointed that out to me.

One more thing: complaining often gets a bad rap. Sure, if left unattended, complaining can get out of hand and become a pattern of disruptive energy that blocks clarity and limits our kindness and compassion. But when paid attention to, complaining can be an indicator that helps us identify, appreciate and act on our personal values. Complaining can point to what’s really important to us, what really matters in our lives, and what brings us joy.

Like a piping hot, delicious cup of mocha latte.