Blog
Communicating is hard!
Struggling with interpersonal communication? Try being a conscious listener.
Here’s the thing: communication is hard! Let’s think about this for a moment. Each of us is walking around with our own perspectives and our own way of experiencing the world. We approach every situation with assumptions and preconceived ideas whether we’re aware of them or not. And then we try to communicate with another person who’s probably doing the same thing. No wonder we experience so many misunderstandings and difficult conversations!
But of course, we want to communicate, we need to communicate - so what can we do to improve our interpersonal interactions? In my experience, an incredibly effective step to resolving frustrating communication patterns is to use conscious listening. As a coach I know that demonstrating and teaching conscious listen techniques to my clients and students has proven effective to immediately improving their communication skills.
Conscious listening is something anyone can learn with a little practice. Consider these time-tested techniques:
1. Pay attention and really hear what the other person is saying. Pretty basic, right? But how often are we in our own heads rather than listening to another? Try leaving your personal agenda (i.e. your needs, assumptions, solutions) at the door and consciously focus on what the speaker is saying. Give them your full, undivided attention and really listen in the present moment.
2. Let the other person know you’re listening by mirroring back what they’ve said. Don’t be shy to repeat back what you’ve heard so they’re assured that you’re listening and so they can correct anything you’ve misunderstood. This also gives them the chance to clarify what they’re trying to say to make sure you get it.
3. Be open and curious about what they’re saying to you. When there’s a break in the conversation, ask an encouraging questions like “can you tell me more about that?” or “I think I get what you’re saying but can you help me better understand this piece?” Most people appreciate the opportunity to go a bit deeper when they know someone cares and is really listening.
4. Resist the temptation to come up with solutions. This is probably the hardest thing to change as we practice conscious listening. We so want to help by sharing ideas or advice, especially if the speaker is having a hard time. We care. But how often do we take over the conversation with fact-finding questions and problem-solving answers that make sense to us? Now the conversation is shifting away from them and becoming more about us and our need to find an answer. Given enough space and compassion, the speaker often has an answer — their own answer. Often all they need is the time and quiet support to get to it on their own.
As we let go of what we’re anticipating, and really pay attention to what another person is saying, we create a safe space for clarity and compassion. People open up as never before when they feel really listened to. I’ve seen it in the small groups and classes I lead. And I’ve celebrated it as my clients experience real-life shifts into improved communication patterns between couples, parents and children, and co-workers — all resulting from their learning and applying these listening techniques.
Yes, communication can be really hard. But conscious listening is something you can do right now to effectively improve how you communicate — and change your very next conversation.
