Conflict

Conflict arises from unmet expectations.

This is a helpful piece of advice I received years ago that has helped me again and again. I encourage you to sit with it for a few moments and see what comes up for you.

Here’s some clarity that I’ve found helpful:

• One of the best ways to avoid conflict is to get really clear on everyone's expectations up front

• Conflict is a helpful indicator that not everyone’s needs have been met as expected

• I can diffuse conflict within myself by letting go of expectations and allowing for other ways to unfold that will meet my needs

In many cases, we’re not even aware of our own expectations until they’re not met. Then the anger, frustration and disappointment show up! But when we're aware of our emotions, we can step back and see more clearly what we were expecting and what our (unmet) needs are. We may also be able to discern if those needs are connected to this moment or, more likely, to a past disappointment or future worry. 

When someone shares a hard-to-hear (conflictual) message with us, we have the opportunity to listen to their words without judgment (of self or them) and give them the gift of being heard. From there we can explore what their unmet expectations are and how, together, we might improve our communication patterns and increase mutual understanding. (The beginning of compassionate communication.)

While conflict can be pretty uncomfortable, it also holds the potential for more clarity — leading to more awareness, better communication and improved relationships.